Silent Killers

Often, it is not a major crisis such as adultery, but stealth and silent problems that quietly creep into a relationship that end up choking it.

There were no deep gashes, just little wounds that refused to heal. They say that time will heal but after all these while, I doubt so... Time does not heal, you just simply learn how to live happily again after all these time.

Rows were common, but hey, who didn't have them?

So for almost 3 years, we hung on, thinking that things would get better, willing that day to come soon as tears watered down the smiles. There was no heinous crime that required a dash for the exit. Neither of us had strayed, neither was a partner-basher and neither was getting cold feet.

It was just, you know, the usual things like anger fits, petty quarrels and jealous tantrums which grew in frequency and chipped away at the core. They were rarely resolved, but hastily papered over to secure an uneasy truce, only to erupt again with each fresh fight. So even as the old cracks remained, new ones appeared despite our best efforts. I have always thought that I know how to deal with these situations, afterall I had myself prepared.

Eventually, the futility of it all sank in. Very reluctantly, we gave up.

Maybe if years later, we are still together and got married, my attitude would have been different.

I subscribe to the notion of making things work at all cost once you say 'I do'.

It didn't mean that I invested less heart and time because vows had not been exchanged. It just dawned on me that not all couples are suited for a walk down the aisle. Just because there is no major crisis such as adultery or abuse doesn't mean that a relationship is a good one.

Very often, it is what my friend calls the 'stealth problems' that end up choking love.

It's not like a heart attack that gets your attention right away, but a cancer that eats away at your body without you realising. That's where the danger lies, because you will brush aside the little aches and pains until it's too late, like when you get married, and things become unbearable with no way out, worse if you have children. And I believe, whenever there is a big fight between a couple, certainly one of them would wander the thought of finding someone more 'suitable' or 'better'.

When asked to account for the spike in divorce rates, family counsellors often cite the low tolerance of today's me-me-me generation as a reason. Unlike their parents, who would dig their heels in and weather hardship as a team, they say younger couples tend to put themselves first and bail at the first hint of trouble.

But even before they get to the altar, there are also many who cling on desperately to a relationship running solely on the fumes of hope.

As marital splits soar - recent figures point to a record high of 5,825 in 2002 - reminders that all relationships require hard work to maintain have grown stronger.

This is an invaluable message that can bring expectations of romance shaped by Hollywood in line with stark reality.

The irony is, it can also warp your notion of love and blind you to danger signs.

You start to believe that love and problems will always arrive together in a prickly, fragile package, rather than an evergreen that can weather the elements. Happiness is thus defined as the absence of conflict, rather than the sheer bliss of having and enjoying each other.

At times, I clingy on the saying that the course of love never run smooth. So I assumed it was the norm. I just kept hoping that she would change. I even resigned myself to the fact that I would never be truly happy. She often promised to start anew and I believed because I feel that when you love someone, you have to take the whole package, good or bad.

NO ONE expects love to be a bed of roses, so no couple should call it a day whenever a problem crops up without first trying their darndest to resolve it as a team.

But neither should love be a thicket of thorns.

I tired my best... my very best....

Nothing came out of it except endless of sadness. And each night I take these sadness with me and drown myself to sleep. However I have woken up and moved on. I take to comfort that the one that will share an everlasting happiness with me, is still somewhere out there, waiting...

The rule of thumb, says a colleague who has been married happily for four years, is that if there are more tears than laughter, something is wrong.

The flowers should always, always, outnumber the thorns.