A man's guide to surviving PMS

If women can endure cramps and headaches once a month, we should be man enough to face up to it too or at least that was what I thought.

I'VE just recovered from an excruciating bout of food poisoning. This may be too much information, but I spent so much time in the toilet that I've developed a fear of cramped places.

As if a numbing fever wasn't enough, my stomach was racked by a gnawing ache. I was crippled by the pain and lay whimpering in bed.

I had the wind, literally, taken out of my sails. But when I recounted this to a friend, she rolled her eyes, shrugged and said: 'That's nothing. Women go through stomach cramps like that every month.'

It also made me realise that women must have a higher threshold for pain, what with the ruthless waxing, eyebrow plucking, childbirth and, yes, pre-menstrual syndrome, that they must go through.

So, for those facing the crimson tide every month, I'm hereby declaring unconditional empathy from now.

Until my bout with food poisoning, PMS was a concept I had shelved alongside other confounding issues like The Meaning Of Life and The Joys Of Dieting.

In fact, my limited knowledge of the condition had led me to believe - falsely - that women friends use it as their given right to get upset, cranky or their own way.

I never quite understood before that PMS was the very reason they get cranky and upset in the first place.

Maybe I was cynical after watching classmates in school using 'cramps' to escape Physical Education and its treacherous 2.4-km runs, or how some women can skilfully turn PMS into MCs.

Men cannot understand how, for up to 10 days a month, a woman's hormones can be in such turmoil that she becomes a different person - one very capable of picking fights out of thin air.

But I'm going to stick my neck out here and say: Every woman has the right to claim that her back hurts, her head aches, her stomach feels bloated, her chest is sore and that she's the most unattractive person in the building.

As suicidal as it sounds, men should listen closely when the women in their lives have PMS and agree humbly that she is right - even if it is about how you should not have forgotten the name of her uncle's youngest daughter's friend's dog.

However weird and unreasonable her complaints, they may be legitimate, and understanding them will help you - oh PMS-less one - understand her.

If she craves chocolate, give her some.

Let her indulge in shoes, or the thought of giving up her career to design shoes in Spain. Be used and abused.

Control the sarcasm when she cries during life insurance commercials.

Let her snap at you once, twice or 12 times, then vent your frustration at the gym. Constructive rage, I call it.

Whenever possible, explain patiently that you're aware of what she's dealing with, and be genuinely sympathetic.

After all, this is the best time to show her what a charmer you are - when she's most appreciative of compliments - and score brownie points for the other 20 days of the month where most men will regress to their normal unappreciative, boorish selves.

But, please, draw the line at those 10 PMS days. That's as much abuse as your manliness should allow.

A woman I admire simply for her profound love of shoes once told me: 'I don't take PMS seriously. It takes me seriously.'

I guess I won't argue with that.