What do men really want?

Contrary to popular misconception, it's not just about food, sex and alcohol, but companionship for life's journey. Some of the females out there maybe crying out, "Ya RIGHT"!

Well, I used to think that way too and one of my colleague said wittily: 'That's easy: a naked woman to bring him food and beer.'

I wanted to correct her and say that it's actually two naked women, but I felt that a less flippant approach was required when tackling this subject.

After all, men have always had it worse off when it comes to figuring out what women wants.

Everyone wants to know what women want. Movies have been made about it, songs have been sung about it.

Maybe it's because women possess a Sphinx-like air of mystery about them. Maybe it's because, after years of having been discriminated against as the 'weaker sex', women are finally getting their dues.

I'd like to think it's just because women are complicated.

But whatever the reason, no one ever seems half as interested in what men really want.

As my colleague's remark showed, the general stereotype is that most men are satisfied by the simple fulfilment of their basic desires for sex, food and alcohol.

But that can't be all there is to it, surely? I certainly hope not.

I'm not a prude by any measure but some part of me takes offence at any generalisation of my peers and myself as being nothing more than modern-day savages.

Worryingly, when I polled a number of my guy friends, there was a significant number of them who professed that, for most of the time, they were indeed preoccupied with simple pursuits such as chasing girls and having fun.

A recent outing to one of the more popular clubs in Singapore on a Friday night allowed me to observe no end of young men - and to be fair, women as well - who seemed to be thoroughly enjoying a night out on the town with copious amounts of alcohol, loud music and much close interaction with the opposite sex.

I think it would be near impossible for human beings to deny our natural instincts and hormonally driven urges, which, as Darwinian theory tells us, are all oriented towards ensuring the survival of the species through procreation with the opposite sex.

Even those of us who do not subscribe to Darwin's theory of evolution should accept the fact that it does seem to be in human nature to seek to pass on our genetic material to future generations by finding a suitable mate and settling down.

But while I accept that on a subconscious level, we may always be prisoners to our natural physiological make-up, haven't we evolved sufficiently through the years to be able to consider other priorities in life?

What about making a positive contribution to the world? Achieving a higher level of enlightenment and understanding about ourselves? Leaving this earth a better place than what it was when we got here?

I posed these thoughts to a younger friend of mine who is serving his national service two days after he had received a decent set of A-level results. I asked him what he felt he and his peers wanted out of life.

'I think most of us want to be successful. And by successful, I mean in all areas like love, work, pursuits like sports, being famous and things like that,' he replied.

No mention of cute girls or partying the night away then. Maybe there is hope for the younger generation after all.

I then turned my questions to a colleague of mine who has just crossed over into his 30s and who seems to enjoy frequent nights out painting the town red.

He admitted that, while the pursuit of the fairer sex has always featured fairly high on his list of priorities, he increasingly felt that something had been missing.

'It all starts to feel a little empty and meaningless after a while. And going out all the time can get rather expensive, and you get home after a big night out and sometimes you wonder what was the point of the whole thing.'

So it seems that some guys do think about more than just what the usual stereotype gives us credit for. But I was still no closer to actually coming up with a definitive list of what those preoccupations were.

To add to my confusion, another single friend of mine in his early 30s and has never been especially renowned to be sensitive or new age told me that men's obsession with finding a woman may not just be all about sex.

'I think what a lot of us are looking for is someone who we can be with in the long term, someone who we can take care of and who can take care of us when we need to be.'

After I overcame my surprise at his simple yet enlightened view, I attempted to get a bit more clarity about the whole issue by asking a female friend in her mid-20s what she felt guys she was attracted to valued in life.

She said: 'I think men who know what they want and have the drive to go for it are very attractive.

'It's good to know that the person you are with has goals and a purpose life, and that he is committed enough to work towards them, as long as those goals are nothing especially bad.'

So trying to find out what guys really want has proven to be almost as difficult as pinning down what women want.

But maybe that's not even important, and what we should be doing is trying to figure out what we as individuals want for ourselves and work towards that.

After all, as we journey through life, it's bound to be a lot easier to find the right person for ourselves if we at least know which direction we're heading in.

When partnership works, it is not an accident

Everyone tells us that it "takes a lot of work" to build a lasting relationship. Rarely, however, do they give us any specifics or concrete information about what that means.

When we fall in love, we're filled with enthusiasm; we hope, and trust, that everything is going to work out. What we typically do is rely on the strength of the love and the initial attraction-not "the work"- to see us through. We want to believe that love, combined with healthy instincts and good intention, will steer us in the right direction. And when we get into trouble, we expect "love" to rescue us. But let's face it, if love was all that was required, many more relationships would "make it."

Throught no fault of our own, most of us have not been appropriately trained or conditioned for partnership. It is a sign of the times. Simply put, we haven't had enough practice. Whether we have adored dating and living a single life or loathed every bit of the process, as men and women forming relationships today we have far more skills for being single than we do for being part of a couple.

We all know what it means to fall in love. We know what it feels like to have our spirits lifted by the sense of promise and hope that arises when we meet someone. Some couples are together for several years before the "glue" fails to hold. Many couples get married and many even stayed married but yet how many of these marriages are truly loving and truly gratifying?

When life is full and rich at 100

A few find love again; one still goes skinny-dipping. Some centenary continue to enjoy happy lives until they have to go

WHAT would you do if your 103-year-old Dad decided he wanted to get married again?

I happened to read this interesting article and I was wondering what will life be when you live to a ripe old age of 100, something that should be seen as a bliss or a curse?

What happens when everyone beside you has moved on and you are the only one left?

There are centenarians who live independently, fix their own meals, paint their fingernails, tend their gardens, go out with friends.

You don't expect the romance you do when you're 20. The passion is calmed down considerably. It's just real love and there's nothing to complicate it when you are 100 years of age. You just love the companionship of a relationship with another person that loves you.

Centenarians are something else. And there are more of them than ever before, as people live longer than ever.

As Singapore ages, many of us will come to know people who live to be 100, and some of us will get there ourselves.

Already, the number of 'old-old' - those who are over 85 - has grown sharply.

In 1999, there were 16,000 people aged 85 and over - six times more than in 1970 - and there were 150 centenarians, four-fifths of them women.

By 2020, we're projected to see 33,600 old-old and, most likely, the number of centenarians will be up too.

It won't be a bleak old-old age for everyone. Like the people in Neenah Ellis' book, some will lead rich, full lives till the day they breathe their last, with helpers and new friends around them, if not family.

A Boston-based study of centenarians has found that it is not true that the older you get, the sicker you become.

Instead, the New England Centenarian Study found, this group shows that 'the older you get, the healthier you've been'.

Although the centenarians studied since 1994 varied widely in terms of education, socio-economic status, religion, ethnicity and diet, they did share some characteristics.

Among them: Few centenarians are obese, the men are almost always lean; it's rare to find heavy smokers in this group; they handle stress better than most people; they appear to avoid other age-related illnesses like dementia and Alzheimer's disease; and exceptional longevity does run in some families.

It must make you stop and think.

I have yet to meet a centenarian, though I have come close. My distant cousin's Dad was still taking the bus from Yio Chu Kang to Orchard Road when he was in his 90s.

Plans for his 100th birthday were under way when he died, and what a pity because he would have loved a party.

Perhaps what the world needs is to realise that sex is 'for procreation, not recreation'. So if you're not making babies, don't do it.

Hmmm, I thought. Never scoff at wisdom from the ages.

Anyway, after reading Neenah Ellis' book, I went to the website www.ifilivetobe100.com and found the faces and voices of the centenarians she had interviewed.

They were lovely to behold, and it seemed that you only need to cross that 100-year mark for your ageless spirit to shine through radiantly.

As for that bit about sex, let's think about it a little more.

To tell or not to tell?

When I first started this job, I was filled with passion but now my passion is half-drained. Not only does the work sucks, the management sucks, even your partner plays a very important role.

There was a time, when I kept partnering this guy. He was short but had a firm handshake and gave off a good first impression. But as he settles down, I caught sight of an object which sent shivers down my spine, even till this very day.

It was brown and swayed with every breath he took.

It was a flap of wafer-thin booger stuck to a clump of nose hair. And it was hanging onto the hair in a rather precarious manner. By a hair, so to speak.

It turned out to be one of the worst partners I have ever had. I could not concentrate on the job, I was totally distraught.

The whole time I was willing the booger to hang on.

I can never understand why men don't trim their nose hair. Having it stick out is an unforgivable sin.

What's the point of turning up in an expensive suit and nice shoes, when you're going to turn up looking like you have a spider crawling up your nose?

Do men realise that the hair in their noses grows? And that it requires religious trimming?

Do they think it completes their look? Or are they trying for a moustache?

Do they even look at themselves in the mirror before they leave their homes?

I can't understand how the wife could bother so much about her cuticles and not about his overactive nose follicles, especially when they're waving their own little flag.

As for Mr Nose Hair, I had to partner him recetly - a few days later after I had recovered from my trauma - to re-partner him. IT'S not just nose hair.

There's also body odour and bad breath.

Once had a friend with lethally foul breath.

She seemed oblivious to it until one day, when a group of us were in the canteen having a meal and another friend told her point-blank that her breath stank.

The group of us were shocked. You could have heard a fishball drop.

The funny thing was we couldn't tell which was the greater sin. The friend for having deadly breath or the other friend for telling her.

The point is since we were young, we've been conditioned to be tolerant and to never confront somebody about his flaws.

If you have to, you drop subtle hints.

Someone has bad breath? You dispense mints. To the whole group, of course.

Body odour? A Body Shop hamper for Christmas should do the trick. Christmas after Christmas until the problem goes away.

Friends have told me that they would rather suffer in silence than risk offending the person.

You don't expect mere colleagues to put their working relationship in jeopardy by telling each other they stink.

That's fair enough. It is a delicate situation. If someone says that you stink, it's easy to misconstrue it as a personal insult.

That's why it should be the job of the person dearest to you. Your spouse, Significant Other, Mum, Dad, and so on.

Of course if this argument holds true, then you would expect the only sufferers of these social ailments to be the destitute.

Unfortunately, it's a lot more widespread than that.

A happily married colleague had bad breath, but no one dared to tell her. We could only hold our breath each time she talked to us.

In our opinion, her husband, while admirably tolerant, had failed in his duty by not buying her Listerine.

I also know of a girl who married her boyfriend even though he had terrible body odour.

Maybe love is blind. Maybe love is olfactorily challenged.

Or do couples grow so used to each other that they don't notice each other's flaws any more?

Don't they care about what others think of their loved ones?

What about the rest of us - co-workers, friends, fellow commuters - who do not love them as much? Why should we be made to suffer as well?

As we all know, love comes with responsibilities.

So please, if you don't want your husband or boyfriend to be known as Mr BO or Mr Nose Hair, you should bite the bullet and tell him the truth.

May the world be at peace, one day...

heaven's reflection 

Does Singapore have enough people willing to do so?

A true patriot would die for his country.
Does Singapore have enough people willing to do so?

This was the sub headlines of a article in the Straits times Life! Today,

by journalist Ong Soh Chin.

She seemed to have been motivated by the same questions that
the new minister of state for national development, Dr Vivian Balakrishnan, brought up in parliament last week. Miss ong quoted the macimillan's english dictionary defining patriotism as "strong feelings of love, respect and duty towards your country".

she put down a series of question which i thought was very interesting:

Does patriotism mean blind obedience? What happens when a country
has leaders who take it down a path of destruction and madness?

Would it be patriotic then to follow their orders or to defy them?

Were the nazis patriotic to Germany?

And the people dying everyday in the middle east- are they considered patriotic?

The article concluded with a twist, timely for all this talk
about remaking singapore, one that sees singaporeans beyond the 5 Cs. i particularly love the last sentence. It said: Singapore's test right now is to learn how to separate state from country when it comes to defining patriotism and duty. For truth be told, you have to stand for something, or you'll fall for anything. But coming back to the matter of dying for one's country, i can only conclude with this-that at the end of the day, its not wanting to die for you country that is important.
It's living for it.

Beautiful. Ravishingly written if i may say.
So good that perhaps suicide bombers might be inspired to stop sacrificing themselves. besides a jihad is not a holy war, its a struggle. I learned about it in the straits times' new column about understanding Islam.How i wish that the suicide bombing syndicate leaders would read the Straits Times.

Call +65 6388 3838 to subscribe to the Straits Times.

i could start by subscribing to doing my part in serving the society. the people around me. to love to serve :j

Unconditional Love

i have started reading this magazine called colors magazine.
i think its a great magazine. one which, coincidentally, has
plenty of stories of love. an ad in its 46 issue, an old issue the volunteer issue, reads: 2001 International Year of Volunteers

name: naya joffre
nationality: swiss
volunteer working with Guatemalan street children

the ad also bears the logo of united nations or UN. i smiled. it reminded me of this other ad i saw in a advertising magazine. it showed an overturned tortoise that has a UN helmet as its shell. the copy says: UNable i thought that was really smart, but for a wrong reason. it must have been some creative people who are rather UNhappy with the UN. anyhow, back to the volunteers issue of colors magazine, this one got me thinking about love...

My life is a disgrace. I am like a clown,
laughing on the outside and crying inside.

Nelson Gomez, volunteer sex educator, Guatemala

01 When Nelson Gomez, 22, dressed a woman, he becomes Melissa Simpson. "During the day I'm an auxiliary in an accounting firm. In the evenings I'm a transvestite sex worker - but not Friday or Saturday. Those nights I work as a volunteer. We go out in a car to distribute condoms and educate other prostitutes - or anyone who wants to listen - about AIDS prevention and sexual health. There's a lot of discrimination against the gay population here, mainly because they think we brought AIDS to Guatemala. They shout at us,'Maricona Sidosa' [ AIDS carrying faggot]. Sometimes people just come up and hit us - even kids - or throw bad eggs or plastic bags full of excrement. They say that we're sinners. My uncle couldn't handle my being gay and
threatened to kill me. So I left home when I was 15 and started working the streets. I never had access to information about AIDS and stuff. Now I want to help those young people who are sexually active. This is the help I am giving to Guatemala. My dreams were killed when I was a kid. Nothing is beautiful in my life. I work as a prostitute to help my family. I can make between [US]$6 and $60 a night and I send that money to my grandma who has cancer and to my mum who is ill. My life is a disgrace. I am like a clown, laughing on the outside and crying inside. Sometimes I feel so fed up with life. My one hope is that my mother and grandmother don't die. What makes me laugh?
Myself and my suffering. My best friend Astra and I, we laugh at out problems together"this is just the first of the stories that

i read ,in colors magazine,
of the wonderful love

that people give freely to their love ones. its inspiring. its unconditional love. that is

perhaps what UN is doing. it makes me think that i should become a volunteer worker some day.

what about you?

The power of dreams

Recently, I embarked on a photograph project. I was at the old Chinatown, taking photos. I took a short break at a nearby beanch. An uncle was sitting beside me and he started starring at me. He asked me,"whether am I a photographer and how much can I earn as a photographer". He sounded really sarcastic. I was just wondering, can there ever be a price tag for a dream?

If life is about any one thing, it is about change. Each of us faces a number of challenges every day of our lives. The manner in which we accept these challenges dictates the direction our lives head. If we fail to make the right choices or worse yet, refuse to make any choices whatsoever, our lives can never be as rich and rewarding as they should be. Winners choose to make their lives better by facing the challenges presented head on and then making the needed changes that move them in a positive direction.

Ultimately, many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.